As a kid i got into a fair few fights.. i think the official total was around.. 450-odd by the end of primary school. I still remember vividly how all of my "friends" used to gang up around me and say that i was too violent. But i had never bullied kids; It was a simple matter of me not knowing my own strength. We'd be messing about and they'd get hurt.. then in a fit of crying they'd hit me, even though i'd usually apologise even before that. Of course, once someone hits you.. hitting them back is a no-brainer.

I later found out that i had quite a high pain threshold in comparison to everyone else.. according to my dad i never screamed much as a child. when i had chicken-pox; (which was a very bad case of chicken pox i should add, i still have many scars to this day,) i wouldn't even complain..

I'm pretty certain that it was mainly this high pain threshold that distinguished me from my peers over those early years.. Of course.. the high pain threshold is only a physical threshold.. which makes emotional and psycholgical pain all the more prominent. Thus the entwinned partner of my physical strength was emotional weakness.

Still.. back to the point;
When you're forced to watch your friends gang up on you on a daily basis you eventually begin to mistrust that word friendship. what does it mean, after all?
Is the real meaning love and unity? because all i see is lying, cheating and betrayal.

I grew weary of all that politics.
Over the teenage years came depression and self doubt,
after that i looked for new friends, different friends, compassionate and strong friends.. these friends were my family for years.. Wonderful, great, golden years.. and then like a cloud growing ever fuller came those old emotions : depression and self-doubt.

these things I'd locked away for too long and now they wished to break free.. Either break free or devour me.
My family would dis-owned the fallen, cast out anything not of strength. And so too i knew long beforee the time came.. i too, was to be cast out..

This to me is friendship:
Those that help eachother climb, those that reach higher and higher, those are friends. And of those who will not hesitate to cut you loose; to leave you to fend for yourself, while they climb thier mountain.. they are the definition of freindship.

"Give up the idea that you need someone to depend on. Don't rely on anyone ever. Chances are no one will be there when you need them"
I'd been listening to hardcore for quite a while before i heard those words..
It was only once i did that hardcore became more than a word, it became a lifeline..

Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.